The Best of the "Worst of" the Emmys

Every year I review the Emmy Awards. To get you ready, and for any new readers of this blog, here are selected samples of my Emmy reviews from 2006-2009. You'll find this year's edition on Monday morning.

The people in the first ten rows you don’t recognize are called “seat fillers”. When the seat fillers have to go to the bathroom they’re replaced by the “nominated writers”.

Great questions on E!’s red carpet show. Isiah Washington was asked his porn name. Ryan Seacrest asked Steven Colbert if Jon Stewart was a prick? Class-eeee. He then asked Hugh Laurie: “Do you find that you’re less clever with the American accent?” Bring back Sam Rubin and Mindy Barbano! At least they gave out Altoids.

First Emmy article in the LA TIMES Sunday CALENDAR section: Page six. Page one story: “Gidget gone global”.

Sandra Oh was wearing Conan the Barbarian’s jewelry.

Had to replay several times Barry Manilow’s final comment to Mr. Clark. He said, “all right, Dick” not “I love Dick” as I first suspected (and hoped).

Cheryl Hines looked like she backed into a chandelier and took some of it with her.

Cloris Leachman won again. I guess SPLANGLISH wasn’t a career-ender for everyone.

This isn’t the first time Alan Alda beat out a more deserving nominee. But I’ve gotten over it.

Best line of the night: Steve Colbert, “I lost to Barry Manilow?!”

Trust me, if O.J. knew how easy it was to steal an Emmy he and his gunmen would be on stage thanking their parole officers.

You could tell Robert Duvall won for a cowboy movie. Even while standing he looked like he was riding a horse.

Nominating Minnie Driver and not Eddie Izzard for THE RICHES is like nominating Pam Dawber and not Robin Williams for MORK & MINDY.

Can ANYONE remember last year's Movie of Week winner? And that includes the winners themselves?

In sixty years there’s never been worse co-hosts than Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel, Ryan Seacrest, and Tom Bergeron. (Snow White and the four dwarfs) Suffering through that excruciating opening where they vamped about nothing was like reliving my Uncle Lou’s 75th birthday party at Sr. George’s Smorgasbord.

And letting Heidi Klum do comedy is like giving a squirrel a grenade.

The evening started on a high note for me since KTLA Channel 5 once again rolled out their red carpet show. Hosted of course by celebrity footstool Sam Rubin and a random bimbo. This year’s tomato was Victoria Recano, who I learned is their evening news anchor. These two lovable chuckleheads are always good for a few idiotic questions and comments. Also present was Tom O’Neill (a so-called Emmys expert). Sam asked him for a preview of the show and he said, “The highlight will be the In Memoriam feature”.

Very elegant comedy montage – pratfalls, sex jokes, and Tina Fey on the toilet. Doesn’t it seem like FRASIER’S been off the air for a hundred years?

The Reality Show montage: five minutes of angry people being bleeped. This is the “excellence in television” we’re celebrating tonight.

How is Jimmy Smits considered a “Guest” actor on DEXTER? He was in 12 of the 13 episodes.

After Ken Howard thanked someone for giving him a kidney, isn’t it a little hard for the next winner to go up and thank Lorne Michaels?

You’re going to think I’m making this up but I’m not. While the winners of the best song were giving their acceptance speech a promo crawl appeared that read, “In Memoriam in 11 minutes”.

Will all the “improvements” and Neil Patrick Harris be enough to turn the tide? It’s hard to say. They certainly made some strides. But the WEATHER CHANNEL had a special on hail storms in Kansas. I’m not optimistic.