Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

In the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the most popular types of stories about the recently deceased are the secrets taken to the grave, people feuding over the will and the "didn't have to die" stories. Peter Falk gets the third type of treatment this week from the Globe.

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Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 August 2011

Okay, let's get the facts out of the way first. There are tapes of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis that have not been released to the public. According to reliable sources, Caroline Kennedy will authorize their release this September.

Now we are expected to believe the low rent Examiner has a source that will tell us what's on them. They promise a look inside her "shattered life" and the secret of who was really behind the assassination of JFK.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publications: People, National Enquirer, Star, Us Weekly, In Touch, OK!
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Amy Winehouse was a fixture in the British tabloids, but she was barely noticed in recent years on this side of the Atlantic until she died last week. Now there are six cover stories about her. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Amy Winehouse's tragic death
  Her Last Interview (Exclusive)
• Us Weekly: Amy Winehouse - Her Lonely Last Days
• In Touch: Amy Winehouse - Her Final Interview
• Star: Amy Winehouse - Fight before fatal drug binge
• People: Amy Winehouse dead at 27
  Talent and Tragedy
  Her Final Days
  The singer's anguished life and why those who loved her could not prevent her tragic death
  "It was only a matter of time", said her mom
• National Enquirer: Amy Winehouse was pregnant when she died!

Stay classy, Enquirer!

Best wishes to the family and friends of Amy Winehouse, from a fan.

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Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

The low rent Examiner continues with the popular gossip theory that his mother Princess Diana was murdered AND the heir to the throne knows the culprit. If you really think the car crash was a hit, watch this sketch by Mitchell and Webb and see if you don't think there are a few holes in the idea.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publications: People, Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Peter Falk died last Friday, which gives the Only Ten Magazines That Matter plenty of time to consider whether to put him on the cover or not. People did something tasteful and the Globe didn't.

Quelle surprise.

Here are the headlines.

• People: Farewell Peter Falk
• Globe: Peter Falk - Tragic death secret
  Torment & hatred that drove Columbo star to his grave

Best wishes to the family and friends of Peter Falk, from a fan.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

A lot of the American supermarket gossip rags are run by Brits who think we are WAY more interested in British royalty than we actually are. Somebody has decided to use some age advancement software on pictures of Princess Diana to give an idea of what she would look like now at the age of 50.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! James Arness died last Wednesday, and not surprisingly, one of the rags specializing in Hey Old Timer Gossip has to tell us about a secret he took to the grave.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

People did not put a tribute to Jeff Conaway on the cover, but the Globe does the next best thing and questions the cause of his death.

Stay classy, Globe!

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Publication: National Examiner
Date: 6 June 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Gary Coleman. Not unlike the story of the remains of James Brown, there is some dispute among his survivors about what to do with Gary Coleman's remains, according to the low rent Examiner.

This helps Gary stay near the top of list of favorite dead people in the tabloids, comfortably ahead of Osama Bin Laden but still trailing Princess Diana, Michael Jackson and Nostradamus.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

It's been two months since Miss Elizabeth Taylor died, but she is still one of the most popular gossip topics of 2011 for The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. The Globe is re-hashing the story that foul play might have been involved in her death, this time telling us there was a "secret autopsy".

Best wishes as always to the family and friends of Miss Taylor, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 30 May 2011

The Globe says Osama Bin Laden had a secret gay life. Before this, the only clue was when the Weekly World News announced his marriage to Kim Jong Il.

Bin Laden was not a hot gossip topic before he died, but the AMI kennel is going to town on him now. Just a few more stories and he'll be up there with Liz Taylor and Gary Coleman as a top dead celebrity.

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Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Here's a little surprise to me. This is the first story in a year and a half where Marilyn Monroe is the main character. In earlier stories, she came on to Elizabeth Taylor and Jackie Kennedy wrote about how heartbroken she was when she found out Jack cheated with Marilyn, but in this "what if?" story, she actually gets top bill as the possible target of a mob hit.

Still, for someone who has been dead for nearly fifty years, the gossip rags still use her name and face to sell magazines, which puts her in rare company.

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Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe and low rent Examiner, someone being dead is no reason they can't appear on the cover of a gossip rag. As often happens with the two Wicked Step Sisters who love the Hey Old Timer gossip, we get a story about a dispute over the will. In the case of Tony Curtis, this dispute becomes a cover story seven months after his death.

The lawyers must be piling up the billable hours big time.

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Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

The low rent Examiner presents us with a conspiracy theory I've never heard before, claiming that John F. Kennedy Jr.'s plane crash was not an accident and that it was engineered by the same people who killed his father. The sub-headline reads "Plane sabotaged to hide the truth!"

Without question, this yarn should only be attempted by people who have a degree in advanced corpse kicking.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 25 April 2011

Things are topsy turvy on the cover of the Sun this week. It was the Weekly World News that had a story about the End of the World, which is usually the exclusive property of the Sun itself, while the Sun had a headline about who killed JFK (as usual, not Lee Harvey Oswald, because how would that be news?).

JFK stories are usually in the Globe or the low rent Examiner, the major suppliers of Hey Old Timer Gossip, which I count as stories about people famous before I graduated high school back in the early 1970s.

Go figure.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 25 April 2011

You might have thought that dying would make Miss Elizabeth Taylor less interesting to the supermarket gossip rags.

You might have thought that, but you would have been wrong. The Globe wants us to know about the brouhaha over the fortune she left behind. Here are the sub-headlines.

• War over her $1 billion fortune!
• Armed guards surround treasure-filled mansion!
• Estate on lockdown!
• Win! Liz's autographed books & photos worth $$$

Well of course it's on lockdown! Those light-fingered villains from the Globe are making off with autographed books & photos worth $$$!

I swear, they will take the pennies covering your corpse's eyes if nobody is watching.

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