Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 August 2011

Weekly World News brings back the politically astute Space Alien who endorses presidential candidates. The being from another planet is backing Michele Bachmann for president in 2012. The alien has a pretty good track record, endorsing Clinton in 1992 and Bush in 2000, but it should not be forgotten the alien first backed Ross Perot and then changed his mind, so a Bachmann presidency is not a done deal, thank Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus.

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Publication: Sun
1 August 2011

Once again, the Sun wants us to know we live in The End Times, even though people who take the Bible seriously shouldn't believe a word of this. They say there are seven deadly omens, but they only give three on the cover, so those are the only ones I include in this post.

• Worldwide riots
• Killer storms
• New great depression
  

Usually, I say I will report back at the time when these things are supposed to take place. Unlike most of the predictions, these are both common enough and vague enough that I expect at least one and maybe two of them to come true. After all, the Atlantic hurricane season has yet to take place and there are always deaths somewhere due to them, so "killer storms" is pretty much a lock. Riots are common enough and as for the word "depression" to describe the current economic mess, even Paul Krugman is using it now, though he calls it the Lesser Depression.

The only thing far fetched is that these events will be signs of the End Times. It's just the everyday crap we live with, so don't get all drama queen about it.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 August 2011

The Weekly World News is trying to work the old magic with a pretty lame photoshop of a CatDog.

I saw this cartoon. It kinda sucked. I mean, it's no Invader Zim.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This headline was almost good enough to make me open the magazine. The CIA is fighting terror using Ellen DeGeneres' cupcakes!

I looked online and, wonder of wonders, this story is almost true! It's actually MI6, the British intelligence agency, who replaced a sugar-based bomb instruction set with Ms. DeGeneres's cupcake recipe.

OMG, the Weekly World News almost tells the whole truth. I have to re-think all my pre-conceptions about Batboy and the alien who endorses presidential candidates now.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 11 July 2011

If you've been following this blog, you probably realize the name Nostradamus doesn't mean as much as it used to. Lots of alleged Nostradamus prophecies have come up craps in the past year and a half. So this time, the Sun uses NASA as the source of the latest doomsday scenario. An asteroid will hit the earth this November with the force of 65,000 atomic bombs.

On December 1, I expect to be here to report on whether this catastrophe happened or not.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 11 July 2011

The Weekly World News goes all New Testament on our butts this week, stating the sandals of John the Baptist have been found and they are healing the sick.

People familiar with the stories of John will recall he was kind of a wild street preacher, and paintings from the Middle Ages until today almost always depict him as barefooted, including this one I nicked off the Internet. Moreover, given the way he died, it's hard to believe the people who killed him took special care to preserve his garments.

Still, it's in the Weekly World News, so it must be true.

(Psych.)

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories this week from the Weekly World News, which is the first time since the beginning of last year they were allowed two headlines on the cover of the Sun. As you can read, the ghost of a dead cat saved a dying tot.

For the most part, living cats pretty much avoid tots, dying or otherwise, because these small humans do not understand the concept of "can opener". But if we believe this story, when cats become ghosts they evolve into more loving creatures with a deep regard for all living things.

In other words, when cats reach the next step in karmic consciousness, they become dogs.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

The Weekly World News has two headlines this week, which is a good thing because Nostradamus isn't giving any specific dates on the cover, so no Skeeter Davis Alert™. This week they say a Titanic survivor wants to be returned to her deserted island because "I can't stand another day of civilization!"

While I understand the sentiment, I would like to point out a few historical facts to the tabloid readers with double digit IQs.

1. The Titanic sunk in 1912, not 1997 when the movie was made.
2. The Titanic sunk in the frigid north Atlantic, not the balmy south Pacific. If any lifeboat made it to a deserted island, it would be a miserable, hard-scrabble existence like Shackelton, not a fun adventure like Robinson Crusoe or Gilligan's Island.

Sorry to spoil the fun with boring stuff like math and geography.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 27 June 2011

The Sun has a headline that barely meets all the requirements of a prophecy I can publish and check, which means a date, in this case the end of 2012, and an event, which isn't written in words, but does have a picture of the globe blowing up.

Also, the Sun tells its readers this is based on Bible codes, not some off brand Mayan prophecy that can't be reliable.

Who buys this stuff? As my brother pointed out recently, 100 is the average and the median IQ in the world, so half the world, and half of of Americans in particular, have two digit IQs.

It explains a lot.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 27 June 2011

While this does not reach the heights of "Bat Boy Found In Cave!", putting Noah's Ark and the Bermuda Triangle in the same story shows a little initiative from the Weekly World News writers and I applaud them for it.

They also added the tagline "And you'll never guess what they found on board!"

About that they are correct. I'll never guess.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 20 June 2011

While the Obama administration is not touting the murder of Osama Bin Laden every chance they get, the AMI gossip rags are. This week, it's the Weekly World News telling us Al Qaeda wants to rename Setpember 11 "Osama Day".

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Publication: Sun
Date: 20 June 2011

The Sun gives us four prophecies for 2011, but none of them involve the End of the World or even so much as a plague or terrorist attack. Still, they have expiration dates, so they can be tested for accuracy.

Hillary Clinton is going to announce a run for the presidency.

Miss Betty White will buy a baseball team and they will win the World Series.

NASA files reveal why JFK really died.

(Did the shot come from outer space?)

And a weeping statue predicts Billy Graham's last days.

By the end of the year, I will report back on all these predictions.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 13 June 2011

The Sun has not been very useful to this blog over the past few months. I do not publish their end times stuff or disaster prediction unless there's an actual date involved and they haven't done much of that this year. This week they throw me a bone with predictions based on the alleged upcoming apocalypse foretold by the Mayans. Here are the dates.

• July 2011: earthquakes rock the Midwest
• Sept 2011: Great flood sweeps entire U.S.
  

As for earthquakes in the Midwest, they do happen and there have been some big ones, but because it's the relief of pressure in the middle of a tectonic plate, they are very rare. The graphic shows a house completely demolished. As a Californian, I'm going to be all arbitrary and say anything less than a 6.0 on the Richter scale is not a quake worth predicting.

The graphic for the great flood is a massive honking wave hitting the Statue of Liberty, so I'm going to say that a river overflowing its banks in September will NOT count as a correct prophecy.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

The Weekly World News has a cute gag headline about a promise to have no pictures of Lindsay Lohan in their magazine this week, with a picture of LiLo on the cover where she is running from paparazzi and barely visible.

I think the gag would be funnier if they had named a real tabloid gossip star like Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Kim Kardashian or Angelina Jolie, but still, it's a cute little joke.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 30 May 2011

The idea that there is a Presidential Book of Secrets is a popular conspiracy theory like Area 51, fueled by popular movies and such. The standard idea is that it has the information the United States is still keeping secret after decades or possibly centuries, but the Sun has decided it contains prophecies about the future as well.

Hey, it's fiction, Knock yourselves out.

The three secrets they share on the cover are:

• CIA says Bin Laden still alive
• When more jobs are heading your way
• How U.S. government dodges World War III

As you can see, this is a pretty magical book. I'd usually ignore this because it doesn't give anything specific in terms of dates, but it continues the rumor that Bin Laden is still alive, so I included it.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 23 May 2011

The Weekly World News has had a lot of semi-reality based headlines over the past few weeks, shying away from the magical and wacky stories that endeared them to goofy aging hipsters such as myself and Padre Mickey back in the day. But this week, they return to their roots with a story about a hunter finding a talking Bigfoot and the two becoming best buddies.

Bonus points for anyone who knows the story behind the picture I nicked.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 9 May 2011

The Sun has a prediction this week, but no dates on the cover, so I'm only reporting on what the Weekly World News has to say. According to them, the Only President We've Got is related to...

Sarah Palin, the queen of the I-Quit-arod.

Not an actual laugh, but I did smile.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 21 February 2011

Back in February, the Sun told us the stuff to expect in the next 100 days. While the 100 days aren't up yet, they did mention that an apocalypse on Easter would shock the United States.

Well, Easter has come and gone and if there was something shockingly apocalyptic, the lamestream media completely ignored it. Being a heathen Commie bastard who has already lived through ten failed prophecies in the past sixteen months, I'm going to assume that there actually wasn't an apocalypse yesterday.

All of you end of the world fans can take heart that the end of the 100 days on this prophecy coincides with Dr. Harold Camping's specific warning about May 21, 2011, which is less than four weeks away now.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 2 May 2011

After going far afield to do an End of the World story last week, the Weekly World News is back to doing what they do best, making up preposterous crap about dead people.

Princess Di is alive, hiding in the U.S. and will only be able to watch her son's wedding on basic cable, assuming she can afford it.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 25 April 2011

Things are topsy turvy on the cover of the Sun this week. It was the Weekly World News that had a story about the End of the World, which is usually the exclusive property of the Sun itself, while the Sun had a headline about who killed JFK (as usual, not Lee Harvey Oswald, because how would that be news?).

JFK stories are usually in the Globe or the low rent Examiner, the major suppliers of Hey Old Timer Gossip, which I count as stories about people famous before I graduated high school back in the early 1970s.

Go figure.

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