Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

While other gossip sources show interest in the Olsen twins, young and allegedly worth billions while looking like heroin addicts, the Only Ten Magazines That Matter have left them alone for the most part. The Enquirer says this week that Mary Kate, whose last big brush with tabloid fame came when she was allegedly the last person to see Heath Ledger alive way back in early 2008, had a tearful public breakdown and they have exclusive pictures.

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Publication: National Examiner
Date: 21 June 2011

The low rent Examiner has Roseanne on the cover this week, a celebrity who has been completely out of the gossip spotlight for many years. Her claim to gossip-worthiness, at least the low rent Examiner's version of worthiness, is an interview in which she admits she's crazy, a revelation labeled as "shocking".

In other shocking news, water is wet and gravity works best in the downward direction when you are standing on some given planet.

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Publication: Star magazine
Date: 2 May 2011.

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Jim Carrey made some gossip headlines a year ago when he broke up with Jenny McCarthy, a large breasted comic actress who tragically thinks she knows something about vaccines and is putting uncounted numbers of children at risk. Now, the Star has the details of a wild night of partying for the comic actor, featuring pot, booze and four women.

What no coke, no heroin? No knives or guns brandished? The police weren't called in?

Pretty weak wild night if you ask me. Still, Jim sounds like he's renting the crazy by the hour instead of being married to it.

A much more frugal lifestyle choice in the long run.

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Publication: Star
Date: 2 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, JWoww! The large breasted young woman who isn't Snooki on Jersey Shore has an ex-boyfriend ratting on her this week, showing pictures of a stab wound on his arm and claiming she tried to kill kim.

When I changed the rules of this blog at the beginning of the year and started reporting on all reality TV cover stories of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, I thought I'd be overrun with Jersey Shore gossip. So far, this is the first story specifically about a cast member (Snooki got mentioned in a best and worst beach body smorgasbord, she was one of the worst) and we are four months into the new year.

I'd say this is good news, but the most popular reality TV show in the gossip rags is Teen Mom, which is much worse as far as I'm concerned.

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Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 2 May 2011

It was Teddy Roosevelt's daughter Alice who got the credit for the quote "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

She would have loved the National Enquirer.

This week, the Flagship pulled out all the stops and dug up every bit of dirt they could find on the Middleton family. On the cover, they mention a drug addict, a stripper and a cross dresser, and they promise more dirt inside.

Personally, when it comes to the goofy, I think the Windsor family has got them beat.

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Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 25 April 2011

The Flagship has a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, as usual, but this one has already been confirmed as true. Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is called "Michael Douglas' wife" in the headlines, has been checked in to a mental hospital due to a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder 2. The Enquirer says she has been put in a ward with drug addicts and alcoholics, but since she works in Hollywood, she should feel right at home. (Rimshot! Thank you very much! I'll be here all week! Try the veal!)

UPDATE: Not only has this story been confirmed, but a week later it gets on several covers, so I give the story a belated Scoop of the Week.

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Publication: OK!
Date: 18 April 2011

Two stories about about Britney Spears on the covers of the supermarket rags this week, which is the first time since December. The other unusual thing is that the negative story is in OK!, which is generally the nicest of the gossip mags. Their headline reads "Britney's strange behavior".

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